There will always be more to learn in this life, and more mistakes to make. But a few years ago I came to a place in life where I could see others (starting blended families) going through the same problems that I had learned to overcome, and wished I had a way to help. This thought process was the beginning of my book, Blended Families: A Roadmap to Success. In the book I have room to go into great detail about all of the concepts and lessons I have learned. But for now, let me briefly give you some of the most important ones.
Don't Take Things Personally
If I had to choose one piece of advice for people in Blended Family relationships, it's this: don't take things personally. I know that's said here twice. That's because it's important. And this doesn't just apply to relationships; it applies to life. You can't take what comes your way as some kind of personal insult and expect to keep a calm, rational mind. People are going to people, come what may, and I've found that your best option in life is (to do your best) to start and end every conversation with love in your heart.
This can be terribly difficult. I don't know if becoming defensive and angry is human nature or a conditioned behavior. But I do know that getting all worked up and angry over someone else's words simply isn't worth it.
Focus on the Goal
With my son Joey in 2010.
A happy family. That's the goal. Obviously "happiness" means a million things to a million people. But once you are on the same page with your partner on what that means for you as a family, don't lose sight of it. Again, I go more in depth on this topic in my book, but in short, staying focused on the end goal of happiness has carried us through uncountable hard times to get to the peaceful state we currently enjoy.
Give it Time
I have found that one of the biggest mistakes that people make in both relationships and in life is thinking that everything needs to happen on the schedule they would like it to...and in today's world, that often means NOW. But building up relationships takes time. They need to be worked at gradually, especially for children. Remember that the children in this new family relationship have had the rug pulled out from under them, and it may take longer than usual to rebuild the sense of trust and safety that all solid relationships are built upon.
But again, focus on the goal, and have the patience to get there. Progress that is slow is still progress. You aren't alone in wanting the shaky days of uncertainty to be over. I know. I've been through it. But with enough prayer, patience, and determination I made it through. And so can you.